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Before I wrote to him, I had to write through me Before the First Letter I had various relationships for 4-5 years, from completing my first year of college to finishing a few years in my career. During this time, I had two situation-ships, and two boyfriends, all short-lived. Throughout this time, each relationship was a reflection of my lack of insight into the opposite sex, self-worth, value, and spiritual guidance and discernment. While there is blame that can be pointed on either side of these relationships, the common theme was me. If I had insight, knew my self-worth and value, and relied on God to guide me, I wouldn't have fallen for the same traits multiple times, but I would have also held onto my beliefs and put up boundaries. Entering My Single Season After setting boundaries with the last guy, I knew I deserved better. It was challenging to push my feelings away, but it was time to turn over a new leaf. I am a child of God, and He has blessed me in more ways than one so that I can stress over someone who wasn’t considering me. At the same time, I started writing more. I started carrying a journal and wrote about my deepest thoughts and feelings, laying it all on paper. Therefore, I looked within and decided to wait for God. I entered into my ‘single’ season. It was time to focus on myself and enjoy my own company. Why I Started Writing My ‘single’ season made me focus on who I was, what type of relationship I wanted, and what I deserved. It also made me pray more and seek God’s guidance. I spent more time writing and exploring my most genuine desires, leading me to pray differently. I desire to be married with a family, precisely what I would pray to God for. My prayers were regular prayers to God, but other times, I wrote a ‘Dear Future Husband’ Letter. In the past, I prayed for relationships and got what I wanted, but only to realize I needed to be careful with what I was praying for. Keeping this in mind, I wrote my first letter, but it wasn't much about what I wanted from my husband; it was more of a self-reflection letter about my journey to my future husband. I explained and talked about what I was afraid of and working on, hoping that when I meet him, I don’t scare him away and know I'm still a work in progress. As I wrote these letters, I learned more about myself and what I should work on and reveal what God desires for me in the future. Please find the first letter I wrote attached. I hope it inspires you to self-reflect on where you need help and what you want from your future spouse and reveals to you what God desires for your future relationship. The First Letter: Full Text WRITING IS A FORM OF EXPRESSING YOURSELF. January 28, 2023 Dear Future Husband, I am patiently but anxiously waiting for you, waiting for God to reveal you to me. But I’m scared. Will I recognize you? My mindset is slightly different, but would I still make the same mistakes again? Would I end up pushing you away? Don't let me drive you away if you are sure of God's revelation. I am currently working on myself. I am learning to be okay by myself and enjoy my company. I am trying to do as much as I can financially and do things I want and love to do independently. I am trying to make and have fun. I am learning to be more independent on a social level during my season of isolation and separation. As I’m working on myself this season, I’m also learning and trying not to deal with people who will waste my time. I know the effort I put forth in reaching out and trying to make plans, but I’m no longer dealing with one-sided relationships. I need to be met halfway. So please don’t come and waste my time. Please know what you want, especially who you want. I don’t want to play games nor like to play them. I never did. I may not have been in certain relationships for the right reasons, but I was and always knew who and what I wanted, even if it was for the wrong reasons. If you make plans, please stick with it.  I may not have a lot of friends or hang out with many people, but I want a best friend in you. I can talk to you when something is wrong. I can act a fool around you, and you will join me. We can go on fun adventures and try new things. Most importantly, I pray you know what you want from life; you have a plan. It’s okay if you don’t have it all figured out, but just enough that if you willingly and prayerfully accept, I could help you with it, and you do the same for me. I know what I can do for people and how I can help them grow in character, life, and career-wise. However, I don’t have many people that do the same for me. I do most of the giving but not much receiving. I don’t just mean a little help here and there. I mean high-quality advice on growth at the same level that I produce it. Respectfully, help call me out on specific behaviors in an effective building-up way. Build me up, don’t tear me down, and I pray I will do the same. But even if it is a hard truth, I pray we are both willing and able to receive it healthily.  I don’t want you to be like me, but I pray we have the same or similar souls/spirits. We walk and grow in harmony together. Love, Your Future Wife A Prompt For You Now it is your turn. I challenge those who are single, even those in relationships, to reflect on the type of spouse they want, who they hope to be, and what they want out of the marriage and their partnership. Don't think arbitrarily, but think deeply about your core values. Write about the desired personality and character traits of your spouse. You can also be transparent by sharing what you are currently struggling with so you can work on yourself as you wait for your lifetime partner. Even if you decide not to write a formal letter, carry a journey to express your feelings. If you aren't fond of writing, you use whatever medium to help you self-reflect and express your hidden desires, whether voice notes, music, art, etc. Just remember to be careful what you wish for. Nathifa

Why This Message? I preached "Perspective, Faith, Purpose" Friday night, April 7, 2023, at Hyde Park Seventh-day Adventist Church in Boston, MA, for Youth Week of Prayer. This was my first sermon preached at Hyde Park as a rising Elder. I wrote and preached this sermon. This post explores how shifting perspective and deepening faith bring clarity of purpose through Joseph's story and my own. This is not a transcript, word for word, of my sermon. Questions to Consider Who is your favorite person in the Bible? Why are they your favorite? Are they your favorite because you can relate to the story and their character? Hold that person in mind as I share mine. I LOVE Joseph. I don't know if it's because of the different religious movies I've seen, or I've heard the story many times, or if his story alone is interesting, with all the plot twists. All true, but only recently did I understand why. In preparation for this message, it took me some time to gather my thoughts or even pick a topic to preach on. The nightly theme for my given night was about strengthening one's faith while in college and some of the challenges. I reflected on what strengthened my faith in God before and during college and what continuously kept me in the church. The song "Your Ways Are Higher Than Mine" came to mind as I reflected. As I listened and sang along, I was reminded that God was leading me every step of the way. Before I go into the song, here's some insight into my journey ending up living in Boston, my current home of residence. My name is Nathifa Debellotte. At Hyde Park, I'm known for my presence during Wednesday Night Prayer Meetings (over Zoom), over the Prayer Line, or even during Divine Hour, either doing Intercessory Prayer, Scripture Reading, or helping on the Audio/Visual Team. For many years at Hyde Park, I stayed to myself until I got more and more comfortable with the congregation. Because I was quiet, many didn't know who I was. Others thought I looked familiar and treated me like a regular visitor from my first Sabbath. Most know I spent my Sabbath afternoons with Bro. and Sis. Brown, who became my Boston parents. I came to Boston to attend Wentworth Institute of Technology and attended Hyde Park in September 2016, almost seven years ago. Time, indeed, has flown by fast. I graduated in August 2020 and still worshiped at Hyde Park Church. I came to Boston for college, but I was running away from home deep down. I was born and raised in the Adventist church in Brooklyn, NY. On November 30th, 2008 (almost 15 years ago), I lost my mom in a car accident. Fifteen days before, I had turned ten years old. I, too, almost lost my life, recovering from being in and out of a coma, but God spared my life. As I got into high school, I was baptized, and my faith in God slowly grew. I was also developing my character, but I faced my trials like any new believer. My trials became my church and personal family. I didn't have peace of mind, and I was slowly suffocating. Too much negative energy surrounded me. When college approached, I jumped at the opportunity to leave. I needed peace of mind and an understanding of who I was outside my family. My faith in God grew through it all because I changed my perspective . My faith was a little stagnant throughout my first few years of college, but it was still present. Given I almost lost my life and God spared me, over the years, I constantly reminded myself that God spared me for a reason. Only through Him was I going to learn why he spared my life and the plans He has for me. Since leaving New York for Boston, God has revealed His purpose piece by piece. As tragic as it was, I understood that God's plans differ from mine. He has and will continue to bless me, and I pray He blesses my family through me. I have found my home at Hyde Park Church. As I reflected, the song "Your Ways Are Higher Than Mine" kept coming to mind. Its message reminded me that God's perspective is greater than mine, and that faith requires surrender. Verse 1 It's not what I prayed for It's not what I wanted It's not something I understand My circumstances seem so confusing I'm placing it all in Your Hands Chorus Your ways are higher than mine I want mountains to move You want me to climb So I'm gonna trust Your work, Your will, and Your time Your ways are higher than mine. From "Your Ways Are Higher Than Mine" ~ Song by The Collingsworth Family As I prayed and reflected, especially on "Your Ways Are Higher Than Mine", Joseph's story came into focus, and I realized our paths share striking parallels. You may be wondering, "How is this true?" Similar to Joseph, in a way, I'm not particularly loved by my sisters, at least not in the way I would like or how I perceive it, and I could be wrong. I wasn't sold as an enslaved person like Joseph or was forced from home. However, we both left unhealthy living conditions and started a new life. Things were different and we knew no one. We both left home at 17. In our new homes, because we knew and believed in God, God blessed us and others around us, no matter what trials or situations we were dealt. Like Joseph, I pray to continue to bless others in whatever way God chooses. Outside of the physical events in our lives, Joseph and I shared a similar spiritual path. I believe Joseph did the best he knew how to and what he learned about the God of his father and forefathers. Throughout his challenging journey, his faith in God never wavered, and his perspective of what happened to him probably slowly changed as he became governor of Egypt until he revealed God's purpose for his life to his brothers. Here lies the title of my message. Perspective, Faith, Purpose You can gain insight into your purpose by changing your perspective and strengthening your faith. Joseph's Story (Genesis 37) Joseph's story starts in Genesis 37: 2-11 2 This is the history of Jacob. Joseph, being seventeen years old, was feeding the flock with his brothers…. 3 Now Israel (aka Jacob) loved Joseph more than all his children because he was the son of his old age. Also, he made him a tunic of many colors. Read Genesis 37:2-11 here 2 This is the history of Jacob. Joseph, being seventeen years old, was feeding the flock with his brothers…. 3 Now Israel (aka Jacob) loved Joseph more than all his children because he was the son of his old age. Also, he made him a tunic of many colors. 4 But when his brothers saw that their father loved him more than all his brothers, they hated him and could not speak peaceably to him. 5 Now Joseph has a dream, and he tells it to his brothers and they hate him even more. 6 So he said to them, ‘Please hear this dream which I have dreamed: 7 There we were, binding sheaves in the field. Then behold, my sheaf arose and also stood upright: and indeed your sheaves stood all around and bowed down to my sheaf’ 8 And his brothers said to him, ‘Shall you indeed reign over us? Or shall you indeed have dominion over us?’ So they hated him even more for his dreams and his words. 9 Then he dreamed still another dream and told it to his brothers, and said, ‘Look, I have dreamed another dream. And this time, the sun, the moon, and the eleven stars bowed down to me.’ 10 So he told it to his father and his brothers and his father rebuked him and said to him “What is this dream that you have dreamed? Shall your mother and I and your brothers indeed come to bow down to the earth before you?” 11 And his brothers envied him, but his father kept the matter in mind.’  As we read this passage, we see Joseph with his brothers feeding the sheep, and Joseph gives Jacob a poor report. The brothers hated Joseph. Jacob loves him more because he is the son of his old age and was given a coat of many colors. When the brothers saw the coat, they hated him even more. To top it off, Joseph's two dreams made it even worse. Just before Joseph was thrown into the pit, as his brothers saw him approaching Dothan, everything they knew and hated about him was at the forefront of their minds. A young man wearing an ancient garment Picture the Scene at Dothan The brothers are tending to their flock. Off in the distance, the first thing they notice is his coat, and they immediately know it is Joseph. Knowing it's him and seeing the coat, they are reminded of how much their father loves him, how Joseph thought he was better than them because of his dreams, and how Joseph is there to find something wrong and send back a bad report. You can assume they are fearful, perhaps, because they were not where Jacob had sent them (Shechem). All these thoughts filled their head with a plot to kill him. Two Ways to Read the Same Events The beginning of Joseph's story provides different perspectives and allows you to interpret his story in many ways. First, I have a few questions I want you to ask and consider. Was Joseph spoiled and proud? Was Joseph misunderstood for being spoiled and proud? Do these questions mean the same thing? Our answers shift with perspective and information. Just by reading Genesis 37, I saw many different interpretations one can draw from the passage, but I will share only two. As I interpret, remember there can be many other variations in the small details. First Interpretation Joseph was a snitch when he gave his father a bad report about his brothers. His father spoiled Joseph with a coat of many colors. After Joseph received the coat, he started to dream that he was better or would be elevated above his family. The dream was an indication of Joseph's hidden desires. Joseph did not only dream about it but also bragged about it to his family. His father rebuked him for his dreams even though he was responsible for enabling these dreams with the coat. Regardless, he still thought about the significance of the dreams. Now, his brothers feel Joseph is an entitled, spoiled brat who informed their father about Dothan. They could only be threatened by Joseph because they knew they were not where Jacob instructed them to be, and they knew they were doing something they shouldn't. These were grown men worried about their 17-year-old brother informing on them. This is a representation of how the brothers perceive this chain of events. Second Interpretation Joseph noticed his brother doing something they shouldn't. Joseph was told to report to their father what his brothers were doing, good or bad. Joseph only reported the truth, and his brothers were mad that they didn't get away with whatever it was. Amid it all, Jacob gives Joseph a pretty coat, which Joseph proudly wears because his father had it made for him. Joseph sleeps and dreams of being above his brothers and parents. He shares it with his family because he might not fully understand the meaning, and maybe his family could help explain it. Or Joseph was passionate about his dreams and wanted to share the exciting things he dreamt. This represents how I interpret these events through my own experiences. As mentioned before, there can be many different interpretations. This is also true for our lives. We may hear other stories or witness different situations. However, according to our journeys and surrounding influences, we will have different perspectives, whether positive or negative. According to the two interpretations, you can view Joseph's story positively and negatively. As we know from reading the bible, a lot is covered in just one chapter, and our sense of time is unclear from one event to the next. Insight from Patriarchs and Prophets Sometimes, it helps to gain more insight into the culture to help paint the picture. Therefore, I found more insight into Joseph's story from Ellen G. White's book Patriarchs and Prophets. In chapter 19, she helps enhance the second perspective I shared. Third Interpretation "The sin of Jacob, and the train of events to which it led, had not failed to exert an influence for evil - an influence that revealed its bitter fruit in the character and life of his sons. As these sons arrived at manhood, they developed severe faults... The jealousy of the several mothers had embittered the family relation, the children had grown up contentious and impatient of control... There was one, however, of a widely different character - the elder son of Rachel, Joseph, whose rare personal beauty seemed but to reflect an inward beauty of mind and heart. Pure, active, and joyous, the lad gave evidence also of moral earnestness and firmness. He listened to his father's instructions and loved to obey God. The qualities that afterward distinguished him in Egypt - gentleness, fidelity, and truthfulness - were already manifest in his daily life. His mother being dead, his affection clung more closely to the father, and Jacob's heart was bound up in this child of his old age... But this affection was to become a cause of trouble and sorrow. Jacob unwisely manifested his preference for Joseph, and this excited the jealousy of his other sons. As Joseph witnessed the evil conduct of his brothers, he was greatly troubled. He ventured gently to remonstrate with them, but only aroused still further their hatred and resentment. He could not endure to see them sinning against God, and he laid the matter before his father, hoping that his authority might lead them to reform." Patriarchs and Prophets, pp 208-209. Ellen G. White, through the influence of the Holy Spirit, gives us clear insight into Joseph's story. You can read Chapter 19 and more regarding Jacob and Joseph's story. Now, I didn't share these different perspectives to persuade you into believing one over the other but to show you how powerful it can be. In the first two reflections, our only source was the Bible. The third, from EGW, her source is the Bible and the Holy Spirit. The third reflection didn't just focus on personal feelings but on godly principles. Ellen said Joseph didn't want to see his brothers going against God's principles or their father's. The same is true in our lives today. Changing Perspective in Our Lives How we perceive someone, something, or an event reflects how others are treated in our actions and potential. Suppose Joseph's brothers had understood Joseph's character and hadn't focused on their father's behavior toward him or tried to understand why Joseph was favored more. In that case, I believe they wouldn't have plotted evil against Joseph. Things might have been different if they had only seen Joseph the way God saw him. They would have looked inward and taken responsibility for their behavior. Like Joseph, I was considered a snitch in my youngest sister's eyes. I wouldn't consider myself spoiled, but I did get in trouble less. Because our personalities were completely different, she was constantly compared to me, leading her to resent me today. Perspective and context can help others better understand a person and their situation. Therefore, I believe changing our viewpoint is essential sometimes. If we go about life with one point of perspective, just by what we hear and see, we can immediately judge a person or a situation without understanding or knowing the facts. I challenge you to be aware of how you perceive others and, most importantly, how you perceive yourself and your current situation. Ask questions before you judge or make your assumptions. Try to have all or enough facts and see every situation from different angles because that can affect what you do and say. Now, parents, be careful how you treat your children because it can have severe repercussions when they get older and when they interact with their siblings and others. From Pit to Purpose Due to the lack of understanding of who Joseph was, his brothers sold him to the Ishmaelites and Egypt. Joseph made his way as an enslaved person working in Potiphar's house. Joseph thrived in Potiphar's house, given his situation and faith in God. God had blessed Potiphar's house because of Joseph's faith and character, just as Ellen G. White wrote, "The same gentleness, fidelity, and truthfulness Joseph possessed in his daily life growing up, was the same mannerisms that helped him in Egypt." (PP 209.1) His brothers hated Joseph because their father loved him more. God gave him dreams that elevated his status, and Joseph reported his brothers. For this, Joseph was almost killed and sold and brought as a slave to Potiphar's house. Joseph could have been bitter and cursed God, or he could have tried others the way he felt, but he didn't. Instead, God blessed him and those around him and increased his status to be in charge of Potiphar's house. Soon after, Joseph was falsely accused and thrown into prison. Yet, in the midst, Joseph knew he did no wrong, and God was going to bless and have mercy on him, and God did just that. Even in prison, Joseph was elevated in status and was an overseer of the other prisoners. It wasn't only because of God's mercy but also because of Joseph's father and demeanor, which was evident in whatever he did. As Joseph's faith increased and he kept a positive mindset, God blessed Joseph with the gift of interpreting dreams that revealed the faith of the baker and the cup-bearer in the prison. Joseph still held on to God and believed that God would bless him. In the prison, witnessing the results of oppression and tyranny and the effects of crime, he learned lessons of justice, sympathy, and mercy that prepared him to exercise power with wisdom and compassion." (PP 218.2) As time passed, Joseph was imprisoned for two more years after correctly interpreting the cupbearer and baker's dream. Joseph started to lose hope. "The hope that had been kindled in his heart gradually died out, and to all other trials was added the bitter sting of ingratitude." (PP 219.2) But God helped relieve him when He gave Pharaoh two dreams, revealing his plans. Through God, Joseph told Pharaoh what his dreams meant, and in turn, Pharaoh, through divine humility, knew that he could trust no other man but Joseph to help save Egypt during the famine. Once again, God blessed Joseph as the governor of all Egypt. But Joseph's character bore the test alike of adversity and prosperity. The same fidelity to God was manifest when he stood in the palace of the Pharaoh as when in a prisoner's cell. He fully believed that the divine hand had directed his steps and in constant reliance upon God and he faithfully discharged the duties of his position. PP 222.1 In the end, Joseph could provide for his family without testing them. He tested them to see if they had repented and changed. Joseph accused Benjamin, his younger brother, of stealing his silver cup. Joseph could have tortured his brothers for their evil against him, but he didn't. When he captured Simeon, and the others left for home to get Benjamin, Joseph didn't torture Simeon, nor did her let his brothers go empty-handed. In addition, he also gave his brothers free food, returning the money they used to pay. Benjamin and Joseph treated them to dinner upon their return, but their test wasn't over. His brothers' reactions to Joseph keeping Benjamin as a prisoner pleased Joseph. He saw the fruits of true repentance. Joseph finally revealed himself to his brothers and told them, ...Now, therefore, be not grieved, or angry with yourselves, that ye sold me hither: for God did send me before you to preserve life.' Feeling they had suffered enough for their cruelty towards him, he nobly sought to banish their fears and lessen the bitterness of their self-reproach." PP 230.5 Joseph could have been bitter but he knew and understood, by their reactions, that they suffered greatly for what they did to him. Conclusion: Perspective - Faith - Purpose "Faithful attention to duty in every situation, from the lowliest to the most exalted, had been training every power for its highest service. He who lives in accordance with the Creator's will is securing to himself the truest and noblest development of character. 'The fear of the Lord, that is wisdom, and to depart from evil is understanding.' " Job 28:28 NKJV There are few who realize the influence of the little things of life upon the development of character. Nothing with which we have to do is really small. The varied circumstances that we meet day to day are designed to test our faithfulness and to qualify us for greater trust. By adherence to principle in the transactions of ordinary life, the mind becomes accustomed to hold the claims of duty above those of pleasure and inclination. Minds thus disciplined are not wavering between right and wrong; they are loyal to duty because they have trained themselves to habits of fidelity and trust. By faithfulness in that which is least they acquire strength to be faithful in greater matters. Character is not inherited. It cannot be bought. Moral excellence and fine mental qualities are not the result of accidents. The most precious gifts are of no value unless they are improved. The formation of a noble character is the work of a lifetime and must be the result of diligent and persevering effort. God gives opportunities; success depends upon the use made of them." (PP 222.3 - 223.1) Joseph's healthy perspective changed, and his faith grew, allowing him to see his past as God saw it. If Joseph had held a grudge and focused on his brothers' hatred, he wouldn't have fulfilled God's plan. He wouldn't have helped save the people and his family during the famine. His faith strengthened. In every situation he was in, God blessed his hands and his mind and elevated his position. Joseph understood his ultimate purpose. Like Ellen G. White, "Everything he went through helped prepare him for what God wanted to do in his life. I change my perspective daily, trying to see God's hand in every situation or person. I always ask questions to understand every situation better, trying not to make assumptions. During this daily challenge, I trust God to reveal his plans, however great or small they are in my or someone else's life. I challenge everyone to look at their present circumstances differently. Look at that person, event, or whatever, may be a little differently through divine wisdom because something new might be revealed. You may be in a sibling rivalry like Joseph, dealing with the loss of a loved one, challenges with church members or coworkers, did get or lost a job, whatever the case may be. I challenge you to question everything and ask for God's guidance in handling what He reveals to you or wants you to learn. You can gain insight into your purpose by changing your perspective and strengthening your faith. ~ Nathifa Debellotte

Sermon from Oct 14, 2023 During devotion at a church meeting, the focus was on Joseph. Maybe God wanted me to talk about Joseph again. However, something mentioned stood out to me. Someone was reflecting on how we don't take the time to reflect on how Joseph's brothers may have felt or view their story from their perspective. At that moment, the Holy Spirit told me, "There's nothing wrong with writing about the same story, but tell it from the brother's perspective." I was intrigued and up for the challenge. It was true; we always discussed and focused on Joseph and his journey but didn't give the brothers a chance. As I take you through the Brothers' journeys, I pray I open up your understanding and change your perspective to give the Brothers more grace as God did. Here are the main topics I will cover: Background - Joseph's Journey Focus Shift - The Brothers Identity - Our Names and Their Meaning Family Discord Family Discord - Results Conclusion Focus Scripture Text Genesis 50:15-21 NKJV 15 When Joseph's brothers saw that their father was dead, they said, "Perhaps Joseph will hate us but and may actually repay us for all the evil which we did to him." 16 So they sent messengers to Joseph, saying, "Before your father died, he commanded, saying, 17 'Thus you shall say to Joseph: "I beg you, please forgive the trespass of your brothers and their sin; for they did evil to you." 'Now, please, forgive the trespass of the servants of the God of your father." And Joseph wept when they spoke to him. 18 Then his brothers also went and fell down before his face, and they said, "Behold, we are your servants." 19 Joseph said to them, "Do not be afraid, for am I in the place of God? 20 But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive. 21 Now, therefore, do not be afraid; I will provide for you and your little ones." And he comforted them and spoke kindly to them. Romans 8:28-30 NKJV 28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. 29 For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren. 30 Moreover, whom He predestined, these He also called; whom he called, these He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified. As we read in Genesis 50, we have come to the end of Joseph and his brothers' story. Jacob is dead, and Joseph's brothers are scared. Since their father's death, Joseph will not have his revenge on them since we are still in power. They asked for forgiveness, and because of fear, they asked on behalf of their father, but that's for another time. I want to draw your attention to Joseph's response along with the promise of Romans 8:28-30. Joseph says, "Do not be afraid, for am I in the place of God? But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day..." Now, the verse doesn't stop there, but I wanted to continue the verse together with Romans 8. So altogether, it reads, "Do not be AFRAID, for am I in the place of God? But as for you, you meant EVIL AGAINST ME; but God meant IT FOR GOOD, in order to bring it about as it is this day... for we know that ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR GOOD to those who love God, to those who are called ACCORDING TO HIS PURPOSE. For whom He foreknew, He also PREDESTINED... Moreover, whom He PREDESTINED, these He also CALLED; whom He CALLED, these He also JUSTIFIED; and who He JUSTIFIED, these He also GLORIFIED." As I read my key text like this, it reminds me that God is the master planner, and no matter what happens, regardless if we fall off God's path, everything will work out for those who love and know him. Background - Joseph's Journey According to Genesis 50, everything worked out for Joseph so that he could save many people. Let's do a quick recap of Joseph's journey to remind ourselves of it. Joseph is the son of Abraham, Issac, and Jacob Joseph's story starts at 17. He is loved by his father, Jacob, and gifted with a coat of many colors. Joseph is of age to feed the flocks with his brothers. He becomes his father's ears and ears to report what his brothers do, and they hate him for it. Joseph dreams of his family bowing down to him, and his brothers hate him even more. The brothers leave to feed the sheep in Shechem. Jacob sends Joseph to check on them, only to find out they are actually in Dothan. They see Joseph and plot to torture him and potentially kill him. Instead, they throw him into a pit. Joseph gets sold to the Ishmaelites on their way to Egypt. In Egypt, Joseph becomes a slave, accused of sleeping with his master's wife, and is therefore thrown into prison. In prison, he interprets two of the jailer's dreams. Years later, he is remembered and asked to interpret Pharoah's dream. Once he interprets and gives guidance, he is made governor of Egypt. After 7 years of plenty, the world experiences 7 years of famine. Joseph's brothers came to Egypt during the famine for food, but Joseph tested their loyalty and character. Joseph reveals himself to his brothers and invites his whole family to live in Egypt. This brings us to Genesis 50, where the Brothers ask for forgiveness. From this summary, we see Joseph's journey. Pulling from the main theme from my first sermon, "You can gain insight into your purpose by changing your perspective and strengthening your faith."  Joseph could have been completely bitter after how his brothers treated him or even when he was thrown into prison, but he didn't. He continued to believe in God even though it may seem as if Joseph was taking steps backward. Unfortunate as it was, Joseph still proposed in jail and was still in a position for his gift to be recognized, making his way from the jailhouse to the governor of Egypt. Only God can do something like this. Despite Joseph's journey, God still manifested His ultimate plan, putting Joseph in place during the famine to save many lives. However, I can't stop there. Focus Shift - The Brothers Let's shift focus from Joseph to the Brothers. With God's help, Joseph physically helped save his brothers and their families. They were mentally and emotionally at ease knowing Joseph was alive and forgave them, but what about their spiritual needs? What did the Brothers really gain from this? Why did all the Brothers make the trip to Egypt? Why did it take 20 years to send a famine? Was a famine really the way to go? The questions are endless, but I believe this. God used Joseph to save many lives and the Brother's lives. Not only did He save the Brothers with physical food but with spiritual food. God created the famine to get Joseph, the Brothers, and their father all in the same place to fulfill His promise to Jacob. God blessed Jacob when he renamed him Israel, saying, "I am God Almighty: be fruitful and multiply; a nation and a company of names shall be of these, and kings shall come out of thy loins." The Brothers needed to be reunited, but not without humility and forgiveness because God predestined this family as His chosen people: the nation of Israelites. Now, this raises another question that brings me to the meat of this message. We see God's ultimate plan to reunite the family, which I got to at the end, but it makes me wonder. We know how Joseph got to Egypt because the Brothers were jealous, but really, where did it stem from? There has to be some history or trend of influences that the brothers experienced in their lifetime that festered into sinning and wanting to harm one of their own. Let's deeply dive into the Brothers' past and Jacob's sins that also influenced them. The title of my message is God Predestined Us Despite Our Family's Sins. Despite generational trauma, God still predestined us and laid a plan to redeem us. Reflect on your journey parallel to any negative character traits, decisions you've made, and how you encounter others. Would you conclude that those traits and moments stem from unhealthy relationships or influences around us? Social media and streaming services can influence our thoughts and actions today, but I'll only focus on families. Families have the most significant influence on us, including any hidden traits. It is part of our DNA and our daily influence during childhood. What age or stage of your life would you say you were influenced the most? Were you a child, preteen, teenager, or young adult? Reflect on some of your unhealthy encounters: sibling conflict, who is loved the most, growing up in a single-parent home, conflict between parents, parent conflict with their siblings and parents, family death - the list is endless. I will focus on different areas in which the Brothers were influenced by their family dynamic and affect our families today. Identity - Our Names and Their Meaning In ancient times, names were of great importance. They were either a representation of what they were destined to be, a reflection of God's goodness, or a reflection of how the parent was feeling. Here are a few people whom God named before they were conceived or born in the Bible: Ishmael - Genesis 16:11 Issac - Genesis 17:19 Solomon - 1 Chronicles 22:9 Josiah - 1 Kings 13:2 John the Baptist - Luke 1:13-17 Jesus - Matt 1:21 Names of those whose names were changed Abram - Abraham Sarai - Sarah Jacob - Israel BenOni - Benjamin Saul - Paul Now, let's look at the names and their meanings of Jacob's children in order from Genesis 29.   LEAH - Genesis 29: 31- 35 NKJV 1. Reuben - "Surely the Lord hath looked upon my affliction; now therefore my husband will love" Genesis 29:32 2. Simeon - "Because the Lord hath heard that I was hated, he hath therefore given me this son" Genesis 29:33 3. Levi - "Now this time will my husband be joined unto me, because I have born him three sons" Genesis 29:34 4. Judah - "Now will I praise the Lord" Genesis 29:35 Here are Jacob's first four sons with his first wife, Leah. Unfortunately, Jacob ended up with two wives because of Leah and Rachel's father. Jacob loved Rachel more, which we knew, but you can gather by reading the text. Rachel was loved more, but Leah bore Jacob his first four sons. As we read in the text, we don't know much about how Rachel felt, but we know the meaning or intention Leah gave regarding her son's names. Next, we have Bilhah's children. Bilhah was Rachel's handmaid, but she gave Bilhah unto Jacob to conceive a child for her because she was unable. BILHAH - Rachel's Children - Genesis 30: 1-8 5. Dan - "God hath judged me, and hath also heard my voice, and hath given me a son" Genesis 30:6 6. Naphtali - "With great wrestlings have I wrestled with my sister, and I have prevailed" Genesis 30:8 Customs were very different during ancient times. I pray I get to question God one day about them because I don't understand how a maidservant can lay with one's husband. Not only is that child considered or allowed to be considered the wife's children, but she can also name them. After Bilhah has her children, Leah takes the same course as Rachel. Leah gives her maidservant, Zilpah, to Jacob, and she had 2 boys as well ZILPAH - Leah's Children - Genesis 30: 9-13 7. Gad - "A troop cometh" Genesis 30:11 8. Asher - "Happy am I, for the daughters will call me blessed" Genesis 30:13 After Asher is born, the text continues with a conversation between Leah and Rachel. 14. Now Reuben went in the days of wheat harvest and found mandrakes in the field, and brought them to his mother Leah. Then Rachel said to Leah, "Please give me some of your son's mandrakes." 15. But she said to her, "Is it a small matter that you have taken away my husband? Would you take away my son's mandrakes also?" And Rachel said, "Therefore he will lie with you tonight for your son's mandrakes." 16. When Jacob came out of the field in the evening, Leah went out to meet him and said, "You must come in to me, for I have surely hired you with my son's mandrakes." And he lay with her that night. LEAH - Genesis 30:18-21 9. Issachar - "God hath given me my hire because I given my maiden to my husband" Genesis 30:18 10. Zebulun - "God hath endued me with a good dowry; now will my husband dwell with me because I have born him six sons" Genesis 30:20 11. Dinah - Genesis 30:21 Lastly, Rachel finally gives birth to Jacob's last two sons RACHEL - Genesis 30:22-24 and Gen 35:18 11. Joseph - "God hath taken away my reproach...the Lord shall add to me another son" Genesis 30:24 12. Benjamin - "Son of the right hand" Genesis 35:18 The Brothers' names were not bad. However, they still reflected how each sister was treated, whether their husband loved them enough or blessed them more than the other. This hatred for one another, especially Rachel against Leah, was one great influence that shadowed the Brothers' lives as they got older. This influence didn't fully form until the boys were older, but I believe some of it was instilled in them in their mother's womb. We have to be careful how mothers act and what and who she allows around her when she is pregnant. Babies in the womb may not be able to talk or think for themselves, but they can hear and feel the emotions the mother is feeling, which can be very unstable. Therefore, this lesson is twofold. First, we have to be careful what we name our children. We are reminded in Jeremiah 1 that God has ordained and predestined us before we were born, saying, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; Before you were born, I sanctified you; I ordained you a prophet to the nations." (Jer 1:5). Second, what we say about and to our children matters. Whether negative or positive, it will affect them in some way. In the bible, blessings, birthrights, and even curses were spoken over many lives, and they all came to pass. Family Discord The Brothers Witnessing Jacob's Marital Relationships The Brothers were indirectly influenced by their names but affected by family discord. We start with Reuben. While his brothers are conceived, Reuben, the oldest, is asked to bring his mom, Leah, some mandrakes, Genesis 30:14-16. At this point, Reuben is mentioned after 7 of his siblings were born, so he could have been between 7-9 years old. Given the situation, I am sure Reuben overheard Rachel asking his mother for the mandrakes he got her. Whether Reuben understood its meaning, he probably saw what it did to his mother, Leah, and Rachel, and neither was happy. In addition, Reuben was the oldest, so we can infer that Jacob's first four sons, Reuben, Simeon, Levi, and Judah, saw the number of women his father was around. They noticed his number of kids and how they probably didn't look like them or had different mothers. Therefore, the Brothers had a very unhealthy understanding of their family household and what it should be. Regardless of their age, they were still affected. Jacob and Laban - Father-In-Law Relationship In Genesis 30:25, we have Jacob and Laban, a father-in-law relationship. Joseph is now born. Therefore, Jacob wishes to leave Laban's house so that his family can have their own place. From Gen 30:25 to the end of Chapter 31, Jacob deceives Laban. He tried to make up for Laban's deception of him, especially when he tried to marry Rachel. Jacob learns Laban's plan in the text and creates his plan. Jacob decides to mess with Laban's flock and leave him with poor, weak animals. When the time came, Jacob gathered his family, obtained healthy versions of Laban's flock, and fled without Laban knowing. At the same time, Rachel steals her father's gods. When Laban finds out what took plan with his gods and his flock, he retaliates and goes after Jacob. Trying to find Jacob, Laban is visited by God and bis him no longer to speak or do anything harmful towards Jacob. As a result, Jacob and Laban create a covenant with each other. Jacob and Esau - Twin Brother Relationship Jacob and Esau's discord predates the birth of his sons but the Brothers witnessed the discord years later after Issac, Jacob and Esau's father had died. Since the Brothers weren't born yet and didn't know what happened between Jacob and his brother, but they saw something was off now. In Genesis 33, the Brothers witnessed Jacob making up with Esau but before that they witnessed how uneasy Jacob got when he noticed his brother in the distance. Genesis 33:1 and 2 tell us Jacob sees Esau coming with four hundred men. Jacob gets scared and divides his children up by their mother. Then he puts the maidservants and their children in front, Leah and her children behind, and Rachel and Joseph last. Jacob's kids were still young, but how he organized them shows Jacob's heart. He places his middle children in front with their mothers, the maidservants. Then you have the four eldest boys of Jacob and Leah's two youngest, with Dinah next. Last but not least, you have Rachel and Joseph. Even when Esau asked Jacob who was with him, he presented them as such, least to greatest, in fear that Esau would take a part of his family. This may be a small, irrelevant part, but it shows his family hierarchy, which he values the most. Here, we viewed the family discord that affected the Brothers in their younger and preteen years. Now, let's fast-forward to the Brothers as young adults between 14 and their last 20s. We see the results of their earlier years and how they translated into their adult years. Family Discord - Results In chapter 34, Jacob and his family bought land from Hamor in the city of Shechem. Jacob moved from Laban's house to Succoth after he made peace with Esau. Then they moved to Shechem, which is located in Canaan. This next event really messed up the trust and dynamic of the family. While living outside of the city of Shechem, Dinah is raped by Hamor's son, Shechem. When Jacob and his sons learn of what happened, they become angry. Jacob is angry, but he holds his peace until his sons come, which I will get back to. Now Hamor arrives and tries to reason with Jacob, father to father, to give Dinah in marriage to Shechem. However, the Brothers set in and verbally denounce their hatred and distaste for what had befallen their sister. Now we started to see the sins of their father and grandfather repeated but in a different manner. Genesis 34:11-15 KJV 11 Then Shechem said to her father and her brothers, 'Let me find favor in your eyes and whatever you say to me I will give. 12 Ask me ever so much dowry and gift, and I will give according to what you say to me; but give me the young woman as a wife.' 13 But the sons of Jacob answered Shechem and Hamor his father, and spoke deceitfully because he had defiled Dinah their sister. 14 And they said to them, 'We cannot do this thing, to give our sister to one who is uncircumcised, for that would be a reproach to us. 15 But on this condition, we will consent to you. If you will became as we are, if every male of your is circumcised. Now Hamor and Shechem accepted the idea of circumcisions and got the rest of the men in the city as well, but the pot thickened. 25 Now it came to pass on the third day, when they were in pain, that two of the sons of Jacob, Simeon and Levi, Dinah's brothers, each took his sword and came boldly upon the city and killed all the males. 26 And they killed Hamor and Shechem his son with the edge of the sword, and took Dinah from Shechem's house, and went out. 27 The sons of Jacob came upon the slain, and plundered the city, because their sister had been defiled. 28 They took their sheep, their oxen, and their donkeys, what was in the city and what was in the field, 29 and all their wealth. All their little ones and their wives they took captive; and they plundered even all that was in the houses. 30 Then Jacob to Simeon and Levi, 'You have troubled me by making me obnoxious among the inhabitants of the land, among the Canaanites and the Perizzites; and since I am few in number, they will gather themselves together against me and kill me. I shall be destroyed, my household and I.' 31 But they said, "Should he treat our sister like a harlot?" Back in verse 13 it said, 13 But the sons of Jacob answered Shechem and Hamor his father, and spoke deceitfully. Deceitfully is the key word, now whether Jacob agreed with the circumcision or not, he still didn't know the hearts of his son. In verse 25, we realize that the Brothers suggestion of circumcision for all the men of the city wasn't to join family with them but part of their grand plan. They waited until the third day after being in pain to attack them when they were weakest. Therefore, Simeon and Levi, Dinah's brother killed all the males of the city. For the Brother's first course of action, we see the true hearts of Simeon and Levi. They were Jacob's second and third sons, after Reuben. They took it upon themselves to be deceitful and commit murder. We don't know if these brothers acted alone but they were the ring leaders. The second recorded sinful act of the Brothers is in chapter 35. Jacob and his family are in route to another location, Rachel goes into labor but dies after giving birth to Benjamin. Rachel is buried on the way to Ephrath also known as Bethlehem. After Rachel is buried, we can conclude from the text that Jacob journeyed on his own beyond the tower of Eder to mourn Rachel. Meanwhile, Jacob was away for the family camp, we don't know how long he was gone but Reuben ends up lying with Bilhah. Bilhah was Jacob's concubine and Rachel's maidservant. They the Bible tells us that Jacob finds out and that is all we know on the subject. We don't know if Jacob confronts Reuben. Maybe Jacob was too grieved in his spirit after Rachel's death to deal with it but here is another situation where Jacob doesn't outright speak up regarding sin. At this point, Jacob is really old, and his spirit is grieved, seeing his previous sins manifest in his sons. We will get back to Reuben's actions soon because everything will come full circle in the end. The last sinful act of the Brothers brings us to Genesis 37. We are now at Joseph's story, who is 17 now. Genesis 37:2 2 This is the history of Jacob. Joseph, being seventeen years old, was feeding the flock with his brothers. And the lad was with the sons of Bilhah and the sons of Zilpah, his father's wives; and Joseph brought a bad report of them to his father. The Bible doesn't tell us much, but we can draw inferences from what is written. This is the first time the sons of Bilhah and Zilpah are mentioned doing anything. Joseph is with them but those Brothers were up to no good Joseph reports back to Jacob. Here is a list of the Brothers that lost Jacob's respect: Simeon and Levi - the massacre of the Shechemites Reuben - Sleeping with Bilhah Dan, Naphtali, Gad and Asher - Not trusted with their father's flock. I love watching movies on different bible characters to help me put the stories into perspective. I hope to understand and try to imagine some in-between events that we don't get directly from the bible. I prepared for this message and watched one of my favorite movies, the 1995 Joseph File. As I watched, I focused on how the Brothers acted instead of focusing only on Joseph's behavior. Even though the movie is not always accurate to the bible, there was a profound scene that opened my understanding to read the story differently. In the scene, Jacob confronts Reuben about sleeping with Bilhah, and he talks with Leah about her son. Leah tries to make Jacob see the reason, but he is too furious, demanding that things change. In the next scene, the sons were gathered around with the flock and Jacob gives them instructions. Then he tells his sons, that Joseph will be in charge. Now Reuben is furious as well. Reuben confronts his father that he is the oldest. However, Jacob's tells Reuben that he hasn't shown him any respect for sleeping with one of his wives. Then Jacob mentions Simeon and Levi's actions and mentions honor. "If honor is received, it is also given." After this scene, something clicked and I started rereading what the Bible said, keeping in mind what I saw in the movie. In the bible there was a gap in the story regarding Jacob and his household. After the bible talks about Reuben and Bilhah and Jacob finding out, it ends and jumps to the list of all Jacob's sons, the death of Issac and then the genealogy of Esau. Next, Joseph pops up on the scene and he is 17 years old now. Now due to the events of the Bible and what I saw in the movie, I concluded that Reuben lost his birthright as the firstborn. As I was reading, a text I read started to make more sense. Genesis 49:3-4. Jacob says, "Reuben, you are my firstborn, My might and the beginning of my strength, the excellency of dignity and the excellency of power. Unstable as water, you shall not excel, Because you went up to your father's bed; Then you defiled it - He up to my couch." When I first read this text, it didn't make any sense to me. I didn't know Reuben had slept with Bilhah but it was starting to come together. With everything I learned in mind, I started looking at Joseph's position differently. I first thought Jacob started treating Joseph differently when he came of age because he was the firstborn son of Rachel, the one whom he loved the most. However, now I realize it was because of Joseph's demeanor. Jacob has been time and time again disappointed by the Brothers' behavior that he was looking for the next son with whom he could trust to lead after him. The next in line was Judah by age, but after seeing his first three sons, he probably didn't want to take the change. In addition, Reuben was the firstborn of Leah, but Joseph was also the firstborn of Rachel. The firstborn naturally gets the birthright, but things are different now. Maybe Jacob told Joseph he wanted a report about his brothers because he couldn't trust them. Jacob respects Joseph and is still greatly disappointed with his sons, so he probably gets carried away. He makes a coat for Joseph to show his appreciation. Next, Joseph starts to dream, and we can probably conclude that Jacob has filled his head because he starts to dream about having authority over his brothers. Continuing in Genesis 37, the Brothers go off to feed the flock. Jacob asks Joseph to check on his Brothers. The Brothers see him and plot to kill him but end up throwing him into a pit and selling him to the Midianites. Even in this situation, you can still see the roles that the Brothers played in this plan. The Brothers went to Shechem to feed the flock. Jacob sends Joseph there to check on them, but as Joseph is on his way to find his Brothers, they leave and head to Dothan. Doesn't Shechem sound familiar? Shechem was in the exact location; Simeon and Levi killed all the city's men. Knowing the Brothers were going to Shechem, Jacob had Joseph follow them there to keep an eye on them. As Joseph looks for them, he discovers his Brothers are in Dothan. The Brothers see Joseph and plot to kill him. The Bible doesn't say who came up with the idea. Regardless, thank God for Reuben. Reuben suggested throwing Joseph in the pit, sparing his life but also with the plan to save him afterward. As the Brothers sat down for supper, they saw a caravan of Midianities. Judah decides to sell Joseph to the Midianites. After they handed Joseph to them, upon Reuben's return, he notices that Joseph is gone, and he rents his clothes. Conclusion This is the end of the record of the mischievous ways of the Brothers written in the Bible. After all the details, verse by verse, of the influences and effects that Jacob and his family had on the character and actions of his sons, let's tie it together and see how God steps in. God used Joseph as his instrument. First, God provided and elevated Joseph into a position where He could use him to save many people. As I alluded in the beginning, God doesn't only use Joseph to save the people and provide food for his Brothers. God uses Joseph to bring his Brothers back into God's will, restoring their brother relationship and reuniting Joseph with their father and the entire family. God used the famine to bring together the Brothers and their whole family. " God blessed Jacob when he renamed him saying, 'I am God Almighty: be fruitful and multiply; a nation and a company of names shall be of thee and kings shall come out of thy loins'." The Brothers needed to be reunited but not without humility and forgiveness because God predestined this family to be his chosen people; the nation of the Israelites. Earlier, I thought God creating a famine to reunite the Brothers with Joseph was a bit extreme. However, I questioned God's actions through human eyes, not God's. I am reminded that His timing is not ours, and God is always on time. When you look at the timing from when Joseph was sold to when Joseph was released from prison and made governor, 13 years had passed. Joseph was 30. We don't know how long Joseph was in jail, but we do know that after he interpreted the dreams for the baker and the cupbearer, Joseph was in jail for 2 years. We don't know the timelines match up with whatever the Brothers were dealing with, but I'm sure they had 13 years to dwell on the wrong they did Joseph. The Brothers were reminded they sold Joseph, and they lied to their father that he was killed. They had to deal with the questions of wondering what happened after all those years and whether their brother was alive. Even Joseph's spirit was tested, and the act of forgiveness for the reunion with his Brothers was successful. This reminded me of a sermon Pastor Mazibuko preached. He said, "If there is a Jonah in the family, God will shake everyone around them to find Jonah," or in this case, Jonah's in the midst just as God shook everyone on the boat to get Jonah's attention. Whatever the Brothers dealt with during that time, God believed they were ready to be reconnected with their brother and for God Himself to fulfill the plan He predestined for them. In the end, on Jacob's deathbed, you can read the blessings of the Brothers in Genesis 49. All of Jacob's sons were together, and all the tribes as they are today. God, in His perfect wisdom, made sure the number 12 remained the same, which means perfection or authority according to God. God has predestined each of us. In this context, no matter our family challenges or how life changes us, if we believe in God, he will direct our paths. In His infinite timing and wisdom, He will manifest His plan for our lives if we choose. Let us be reminded in Romans 8:28-30: 28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. 29 For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren. 30 Moreover, whom He predestined, these He also called; whom He called, these He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified. This reminds me of an Instagram video that perfectly fits my theme and key text. “One of the most powerful scriptures in all the bible in his opinion is Romans 8:29, where God says that he predestined us. Pre meaning Before. Destined meaning end. Meaning that he ended us before he started us. In other words he knew your ending when he started you. And that just means that God planned out or planned around everything that would happen to you. So no season of your life is it. No moment of your life should be taken for granted. God uses it all to get you to the end He had in mind. An that end is good. No matter what the middle looks like. The end is good. And I think that, that give us the peace we need to continue on our journey and to not stop because we think that we missed a step or none of it matters anymore.Everything matters. The divorce you went through matters. The people that left you matters. The bankruptcy matters. The homelessness, the foreclosure, the lying, the manipulation, the stabbing in your back. All of it matters. And all of it is intended to get you to where he has planned for you to be. Choose to see him as good and choose to see the ending as good. He knew it when he started you.” ~ Pastor Norris Johnson

Sometimes, ‘self’ can come first. Burnout Behind the Scenes ‘I can’t wait to get out of here!’ ‘UGHHH!!’ ‘Can’t someone else do this?’ ‘Why am I the only one?’ These are just some of the many thoughts I had before college. These thoughts started circulating towards the end of my junior year. I couldn’t handle my environment anymore. Life was just a never-ending cycle. I went to school during the week and church on Saturdays. Being at home wasn’t a joy, and church stressed me out the most due to my many roles. I was the audio/visual team leader, assistant treasurer, and everyone’s go-to person when they didn’t or couldn’t do something. I was stressed by my roles and the people I interacted with daily. I was the people with whom I interacted, surrounded by too much negativity in church and at home. Most of the time, it wasn’t directed at me but at others. Everything was hindering my personal growth. I was about 12 when I asked to help in the A/V room. At the time, the leader needed some help and asked if I could lend a hand. I didn’t mind because I got to work on the computer and help in service where others were lacking. I learned the technical side of things, similar to my church brothers before they left our congregation and my dad. Also, I could have gotten away with not standing and participating in the services week after week. I enjoyed my new position. I was a fast learner. Three of us were at work, and we each had our roles. Eventually, I was left alone to handle all the A/V functions and the backlash from the members week after week. When Helping Others Hurts You Too Week after week. Year after year, what I used to love was becoming a burden. I developed a bad temper when the members didn’t do certain things—for example, leaving the mics on when not using them, hitting them if it was on, etc. After many prayers and coping skills, I could calm down and let things be. I asked the members if they complained if things were out of control. It didn’t matter to me because things happen. However, this wasn’t the end of the solution to the overall problem. Not many could do what I could, or at least were left. A few could, but they weren’t as focused or dedicated as I was. One thing about me: I was and still am on point, projecting the words and scriptures on the screen. My timing is on point when to move on to the next slide. I’m not perfect, but the majority of the time, I’m on point. When others help, they are busy doing other things, talking, not paying attention, or not knowing my techniques. Of course, if anyone messed up, the members looked into the room to see what was going on or who messed up the flow of the service. The majority of the time, they preferred me because of my skills. I didn’t like the idea of the members relying on me to project the words and verses on the screen when each should have their hymnals and bibles at church. It’s understandable for visitors but not for members who have been Christians for over 15-20 years. I have had moments of neglecting to put up the words because it wasn’t the beginning of service or I was asked to do something else. The downfall is that passing the bar is hard when you set it high. No one can meet the standards set and the expectations of others. Everything and most people were physically and mentally growing as life continued, especially me. Outside of life maturing, my church was at a standstill and decreasing. All the youth left, members stopped coming, and service became a bore. My will to go to church diminished. I was only going because it was a ritual, and I had no choice. I had positions to fill, and if I wasn’t available to do my A/V job, I knew I would experience the repercussions when I returned the following week. I didn’t feel like I was building a better relationship with God and was attentive during the service. I felt this way not because I was obligated to pay attention but because I knew God was fundamental in my life, and I wasn’t coming to church for anyone but to worship God. Week after week, I wasn’t getting spiritually fed, which developed my motto: The Sabbath should be a day of REST, Not STRESS. My weekly Sabbath routine was: Reach church by 9, 9:15 I took a nap until the clerk arrived to do bulletins. Helped clerk with bulletins, especially if there were computer or printer problems Sabbath School ended, so I headed inside to prepare for the service. Made sure the schedule was incorporated into Easy Worship in its respectful order Divine Hour started. When it was time for the sermon, I was either on my phone or napping. I’d walk up when they were closing and being ushered out. While the congregation was leaving, I waited until about 90% cleared the sanctuary. Then, I hopped on the keyboard and played a little. I barely joined everyone in the fellowship hall and went straight to the treasury until AYS or whenever we finished. After the treasury and church were over, I waited until everyone was gone or the majority was gone. My dad would lock up, head to the bank, and then head up. A Moment of Realization Throughout my entire schedule, I barely had time to breathe or relax without doing something. When I could relax, I passed out somewhere in the church. I didn’t want to continue living like that and being stressed. I desired to get back that connection because the positions I took and helped out within the church were to give glory to God, not to please the members. I was stressed with my roles, and the members were always complaining about something, either about the dull and dry service, someone else, or nothing at all. It was annoying hearing the same complaints over and over again when each person knew how things were going to be. It was like they put themselves in those situations to complain instead of doing the mature thing and just taking a break, walking away, or not showing up. My Sabbath just became a never-ending cycle of negative perspectives and stressful roles. If you are unhappy with your situation, don’t always complain. Either find a possible solution or walk away. Like myself, the church was going through emotions. I could see where I was at fault in my personality and behavior and asked God to help me. I noticed my growth, but the church was still in the same situation they were years ago when I was younger. I wasn’t seeing any personal or spiritual growth. If I continued to attend this church, I wasn’t going to grow or reach my full potential spiritually and mentally. Thankfully, I was finishing my last year and a half in high school, and college was just around the corner. I started to do things differently until I left, but sometimes, it became overwhelming that I needed a break. Life at home wasn’t a picnic either. I didn’t feel like I was living my life; I was living for someone else. I was taking or trying to take care of everyone else but myself. Life is never easy, but going up was tough. I lost my mom at ten years old, surviving our car accident with my father and little sister. It wasn’t easy, and even though we didn’t handle things the way we should have, we all managed but in our way. Over the years, what I thought at the time was that I was taking care of them. Once again, I was going through the motions but not living for myself and taking good care of myself as a growing young lady. On top of trying to keep the family peaceful, there was too much negativity in the house. Certain things had to be done one way, or it was the highway. It became so unbearable that I also needed to separate myself from it before it took hold of me. There are things I could have done differently until leaving for college, but I was adjusting to life on my own. Applying for colleges became a no-brainer. I just needed to get out of the house, my home church, and place myself in a completely different environment to help find out who I was and how I wanted to be outside of my family and life back home. When choosing, I thought about how I would pay for it, but I mainly wanted to go to a lovely city and get away. I knew what and who I would be leaving behind. I knew I would have been greatly missed, mainly because of the duties I was doing or just because of the high expectations. Of course, there were sad moments, but I was only and had to think of myself. If I stayed in the city, I would have suffocated, but if I had left, it might have consumed me all, and who knows where I would be today and the type of person I’d be. I decided to go to school in Boston. I left New York, joined a new congregation, graduated, and started my new career, leaving New York in my rearview mirror. Every day, I look at my current life and the life I left behind, and I have no regrets. I know God’s hand was presently active from my decision to my current state because He has and is continuing to bless me. Also, I am grateful I decided to choose myself. This time, I chose to be a little selfish and put my mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical health to grow and better help others in the future. Sometimes, it’s just better to put yourself first, but hopefully not at the expense of others, just enough for it to be a blessing and not a curse. Self-Care Is Not Selfish “ Make yourself a priority once in a while. It’s not selfish. It’s necessary. “ Karen A. Baquiran

The Path to Self-Discovery For those who may not be aware, I am currently working on my memoir. I have shared this with a few people, and a year or two has passed since I began this journey. Initially, I wrote a bit, but nothing resonated deeply. So, I took a break. However, after my trip to Grenada in August 2022, everything changed. I became serious about my memoir and wrote fervently. Within five months, I drafted an initial outline of the various stories and topics that came to mind, organizing them into chapters and a potential sequence of events. I gained significant momentum and conducted extensive research. I explored traditional versus self-publishing and the qualities and structure of a memoir. I also looked into how to write a memoir when experiencing memory lapses. I shared some of my questions with a few trusted friends and received invaluable feedback. I reflected on my memoir goals and reasons for writing it. I considered titles, formats, and book sizes, even creating a cover draft. Reconnecting with the Past During those five months of writing, I reconnected with my former Pre-K teacher. She offered valuable insights and resources from her experience in writing and publishing. She introduced me to her publisher, who provided a gentle critique of my work. My draft was a collection of individual stories rather than a cohesive manuscript, but I felt I was making progress. As the New Year approached, I received feedback from the critique that was helpful, yet it didn’t fully align with my vision. This discrepancy discouraged me and halted my writing. Although I continued researching, I found myself unable to write. My teacher suggested turning my memoir into a series, which sparked new ideas. While I planned the series' structure and themes, the memoir itself remained at a standstill. My original vision became unclear, and two-thirds of the year slipped away without any progress on the story. The Struggle to Move Forward I longed to get back to writing. Occasionally, as I developed the potential layout for the series, I humbled myself and read the Gentle Critique over and over, piece by piece. Gradually, I began to accept what was said and started to see the vision. The main theme of the critique was that there was no strong storyline. In the quick version I wrote, I had merely told the story as it happened. I hadn’t developed it with feelings and character traits for those I interacted with. There was some context to the setting and the different senses, but I wasn’t allowing the reader to feel any emotions during the scenes. It was time for me to start over. A Fresh Start I began anew, taking my time to explain everything in great detail as much as I could remember or sense. I added internal feelings, thoughts, and descriptions of the places I visited. I was truly immersed in the process. I managed to complete 12 chapters, and as I shared my work with a few friends, they helped me elaborate on the missing details and questions they had. I was off to a good start. However, I faced my biggest challenge: I couldn’t recall certain details of my story. I needed to craft a specific narrative that was realistic and believable in the context of my life. Writer's Block Navigating Emotional Terrain This is where I currently find myself, stuck in a web of memories and emotions. It's difficult to explain how I felt at certain moments; often, I struggled to convey the depth of my emotions. This was my reality, but I know not many would understand that. I need to find a way to articulate my feelings clearly for my readers. There have been moments of motivation where I started writing, only to get stuck trying to fill the holes in my narrative. Other times, I wanted to write, but I knew it would take a lot out of me. I just need to leap over that hurdle. I must work with what I have, continue moving forward, and perhaps someone could help me better express my feelings so they resonate with my readers. The Weight of Expectations Many are waiting for my memoir, while some may have forgotten. I am still working on it, but it comes with its challenges. I find myself self-reflecting and rethinking my life, considering how much I’ve been affected by it all and how far I’ve come. I ask for your patience as I navigate through my writer's block and emotional hurdles. This is all part of the painful process of creation. Yet, I know that in the end, it will be worth it. As I continue this journey, I remind myself that every word, every struggle, and every moment of doubt is a step toward something beautiful. Writing is not just about the end product; it’s about the journey of self-discovery and healing. In this sacred space of reflection, I invite you to join me. Together, let’s explore the depths of our stories, the beauty of our struggles, and the light that emerges from the shadows. ---wix---

"Death can still bring about life if you have a different outlook." "Death. Death is never easy, whether it is traumatic, sudden, because of natural causes, or health challenges. Everyone deals with death and the aftermath differently. You remember their impact on your life and how they died. You feel scared about your new reality without your loved one and wonder how you could ever move on. Regardless of your experience after those deaths, our perspectives and feelings can reflect our choices, how we continue living, and how we interact with people. Whether positive or negative, death can alter our point of view and our philosophy of life.   Have you ever seen or heard how the impact of one's death becomes someone's gain? Now, I'm not referencing those who can physically benefit from one's death, such as donated organs to save a life, financial or real estate gain, or any other temporary physical/material increase. I'm referring to character development and growth. I experienced a traumatic and sudden loss that took a different turn for me than it would for most, or at least I think so. My mom's death changed my perspective on life and death, and I worked on the development of my character. Regardless of my highs and lows, my understanding and perspective changed, and I've learned how to draw positive insight from them. I had hope, faith, and peace and that my mom's death wasn't in vain. Because of my faith in God, I knew I would see her again if my life were acceptable according to God's standards. I had faith and knew that God wouldn't let me go through these trials alone, and He had a better plan for my life. This temporary death became my eternal gain." ~ Preface_ The Outsider Inside - Draft 1 In late 2022, I wrote this section as the Preface to my memoir in my first draft. It captures the essence of how I dealt with my mom's death. I was 10 years old when she died almost 17 years ago. While I grieved and mourned her death, I knew God laid her to rest for a reason from day one. Therefore, I grieved differently than my family and friends did. I mourned the aftermath of what her death did to our families and how it unconsciously affected me. This outlook has made me change how I grieve and mourn deaths. Here are the ways I've dealt with my mom's death and how my perspective has changed: Knowing and believing my mom's death wasn't in vain limited the amount of tears I shed at the funeral. This was my way of saying goodbye. I cried when I heard certain funeral songs for 5-6 years. I didn't like being reminded of attending a funeral for my mom. I didn't miss my mom the same as others. I only knew my mom for who she was to me: a loving mother and person, not as profound as her relationships were with others who knew her longer. This changed over the years. As I got to know more about my mom and what life was like for her, I was happy God laid her to rest so she didn't have to suffer anymore psychologically. I started developing skills months after the accident. I used to tell others I wouldn't think I would have the skills or insight I do today if she was still alive. I felt like mommy was holding me back, or what I knew today would have taken longer to develop. Reading this list might make you wonder why I could feel a sense of peace about my mother's passing. On the surface, it seems surprising, but spiritually, I viewed her death differently. I moved beyond my earthly understanding of death to see it as God did. Some might say I didn't grieve properly, but I believed in a higher wisdom given by God. It wasn't just a coping mechanism; I indeed saw her death this way. I wondered about my missing memories and my time in the hospital and why God spared my life. Instead of dwelling on my mom's death, I saw it as a second chance at life, believing God had a special purpose for me. I didn't think I was more important than my dad or sister, but my circumstances were unique. I committed to understanding God's plans for me through reading, praying, and self-reflection. God reveals more puzzle pieces daily, slowly showing me the bigger picture. I will reveal more in my forthcoming memoir. "This temporary death became my eternal gain." I'm sure you can agree that this is a heavy statement that others may not easily digest. However, what do I mean by this quote? What does temporary death' mean? According to my understanding of God's Holy Bible, death is a deep sleep. Those who are dead are sleeping until Jesus' second coming. However, there is a difference between the first death, a.k.a a physical death, and the second death, a.k.a an eternal death. This is a topic for another time, but I am referencing the physical death. Besides death as a deep sleep, those whom God considers righteous and who have already died are temporarily dead. This is what I am referencing. Given the life that my mom lived, I firmly believe and know that my mom is temporarily sleeping until Jesus' second coming, when he calls the righteous. I believe God put my mom to rest because her job on this earth was complete and potentially prevented her from whatever the future would have in store for her if she lived. God looked into my dad, sister, and my future and said I'm not done with them yet. We had just begun. I can't speak for my dad and my sister, but I was temporarily psychologically dead for 4 days when I was in my coma. Some realities of the accident or other reasons God foresaw, there was something God was protecting me from, or maybe it was from myself. I can't imagine what my sister and dad are reliving in their head from recalling the events of the accident, but only God knows why He prevented me from seeing these events play out. I will explain this more fully at another time. Regardless of the reasons, God bringing me out of my coma was His way of saying, "My daughter, I'm not done with you yet. You have barely touched the surface of where I want to take you and have planned for you. You won't understand it yet, but I will reveal my plans for your life." And God did exactly that. While writing my memoir and working on the creation of this blog in the last couple of years, God revealed this to me. "Your temporary psychological death in a coma and the temporary death of your mother will be your testimony. The tears, the pain, the joy, and the lessons you have learned will bring me glory, touch, and inspire others." This revelation helped me understand I needed to draw closer and rely on God. Even though I was only 10 and life was starting, I started developing bad habits, and it was time to look within. "My eternal gain" results from developing my character and strengthening my spiritual walk with God. My life is only temporary. If I stay on the straight, narrow road that leads to God by continuing to build my relationship with him and developing my character, this only leads to eternal life. Death has entered this world from the beginning of humankind and has only spread like wildfire. Today, as we know it, every single minute you hear about someone's death. Lately, you have people mysteriously dying without cause, and it is only getting worse. Whether or not you are a Christian, time on earth is slowly ending, and it all comes down to whom you serve, God or man. I don't have it all figured out, nor am I fully prepared, but God has given me the tools I need to stay on course. Your journey of grieving and coping with death will not be the same as mine because different deaths affect us differently but don't allow it to stop you from living your best life. That doesn't mean to live carelessly but to live life with purpose. Regardless of the outcome of one's death, whether it was natural causes or by the hands of another, don't let the loss of a loved one consume you. Don't use death as an excuse for your negative behavior; you're only hurting yourself and those around you. This also doesn't mean that you shouldn't grieve your loved one, but try to deal with it healthily by seeking help, talking to someone, and pouring into others. I know this is easier said than done, but try to look at the bigger picture. Death only reveals that life is too short. It's time to look within and work on the parts of us that live on even after death. "Death can still bring about life if you have a different outlook." ~Nathifa Debellotte | DeNight Owl 🦉

The dealer deals Our 7 cards, when in Rome. I observed my hard And I see my short-trip ticket home. Three +4s in my hand, 2 in blue And 4 and 5 in green The regular numbers can be shown But my +4s shall be unseen. It's my turn now And I throw my 4. People playing out of turn Shh, sit and watch; that's how the game goes. It's me again, 2 in yellow And it's a tricky play. I can put my +4 down But instead, I put my 5 in green and called it a day. I played my 4 in green already Now it was my +4's turn, My friend. Once I play this card and the others in one round The person who draws, we will never speak again. Lmaoo It was played and the color was blue +2s and +4s came into play And came back to me again I played my +4's and it went well I can say. 20 cards were drawn By the person it landed to. I've used my short-trip ticket home And I've won that game of Killer Uno. The dealer dealt Our 7 cards, while we played in Rome. I observed my hand And could see my short-trip ticket home.

Pain, anger and hurt How I feel everyday I've felt it possibly In every single way Relationships And family Friends and Others dear to me From them all All I want is love To feel wanted and special But I only get that from God above What about on Earth How about just a little bit? But will that ever be enough Will anyone on Earth ever be able to fix it? I say one thing And people don't hear the whole story They are quick to judge When that's not the whole allegory When I express my deep inner feelings No one seems to fully and completely understand How can you see the real me If you can't even comprehend I try to make people happy And where has that gotten me? Disrespected, sad Hurt, and very angry I pour out my heart And get laughed to my face I give plenty of ideas And get many replies of disgrace. I share something that took sometime But I get criticized Why, why not one comment Than wanting it to be revised Is what I do not good enough Is who I am no pleasing For you all to act like this There has to be an excellent reason Pain, anger and hurt How I feel everyday I've felt it possibly In every single way.

I walked into the room And he was there We caught each other's glances And it felt right just being there We walked towards each other, through the crowd And we never looked away from each other. The world around me seemed to move in slow motion Like it was him and I alone in the world together As we were approaching one another All the reasons why I loved him came to memory His smile and style of how he viewed life Made me look at the world very differently We finally approached each other And all I saw was our future in just one smile Nothing was going to come between him and I We complete each other in personality and style. He held me and caressed my cheek And we shared the most passionate kiss, like our first I felt so weak and on Cloud 9 Like I was drunk and under his spell, like I was cursed This moment in his arms Was definitely where I belonged In his arms was where I'll be All day long He stopped and looked at me His angelic voice spoke saying "I lo..." I wish I could have continued it Because I would do anything to go back and never wake up again.

Peacemaker. Harmony. Problem solver. Mediator. Mediator? What is a mediator ? A peacemaker. A problem solver. Someone who likes harmony. They are all similar. It is a remarkable trait, but it has its downfalls and personal limits. Are you, in some ways, a mediator? I don’t mean wanting harmony once in a blue moon. I mean all the time. You hate seeing discord. You want to help and fix others’ problems. You love lending an ear to someone and end up trying to find a solution. You feel others’ pain, but it also takes a toll on you, and you want to help. I am a mediator. I like harmony. I prefer others to get along, not because they just should but to help each party try to understand each other. It became a prevalent part of my life and personality when I started developing wisdom and overcame some of my challenges with God’s help. I also noticed this trait was passed on to me by my mom. As I reflect on this, I realize that out of my entire immediate family, including my uncles and aunts and their children, my mom and I are the only ones who try to be the mediators in our family. Who try to make everyone get along or reach out to those forgotten about, whom others can’t stand. At least, that is what I know and remember seeing. Now that my mom has passed, it’s just me. I don’t know what it was like for my mom, but it can be a burden. It was a burden to me from a young age and has progressed into different stages growing up. But at what point does it stop? When do you get to realize that you’ve done all you can? You can’t force one to get along with another. You can only point out the problem, hope, and pray they try to find a solution. I enjoy helping others and being the person people ask for help and guidance. I like to feel needed, but sometimes, in these cases, I have to solve my problems. Over the years, I learned who to be and who to stop helping when it’s not what they need. I realized I should listen and try not to coach or help based on my experiences. I’ve learned to pace myself and try not to take on someone’s problems as my own. However, with my family, I’ve done the opposite. Instead of drawing near and closer, I’ve been pulling away more and more. But why? I don’t know or can’t fully put it into words. An observation is personal growth. I haven’t seen any personal growth in my family. When I hear the complaints, it becomes annoying and sometimes even painful because it has become a never-ending cycle. Most of the time, it’s the same problems repeatedly, and instead of trying to find a different solution/approach, they stick with the same ways. I’m so annoyed and angry it just puts a damper on my entire mood. I try to do my best to give advice, but it doesn’t work. I try to help each party understand the other. But why is this my job? They haven’t asked me to step in; I volunteered. But why have I made this my responsibility? I love my family and want them to get along, but when does it stop? It becomes a never-ending cycle. Why do I have to try and make grown adults talk together to try to get to an understanding? I believe it to be childish. But it shows they don’t want to do better and try to make amends. I understand some situations may be hard to maneuver, or one may be dealing with a lot. It shouldn’t be an excuse to try and make amends or reach an understanding. We all deal with a lot, but with personal conviction, we try to be the better person. Well, at least that should be the goal. I hate what this has done to my love for New York. I hate that my first thought of New York is negative. I think of New York and only associate it with my immediate family. It’s a shame that it is no longer my home but a distant memory. The city has become tainted, and others have been affected by it. Why do I have to make other people suffer just because I don’t want to be there? What about the others I knew growing up? Old church family, the remainder of my friends? Ultimately, I’m just trying to do what’s best for my sanity. I look at 2022 with the hope of a lighter burden. I know it will be hard to listen to the complaints over the next few years, but I’m making it my responsibility not to get involved in family affairs—no more listening to arguments. No more trying to reason with them or butting in. I have been able to grow and do my best to make amends or iron out any poor relationships in my life. I can only hope and pray the same for my family. Sometimes, you can’t help those who don’t want help. I will still care and be there when it is needed. I will be a mediator with some edge.

New York Why do I even bother? You are no longer my home. I try to interact But you become… Angry, Impatient, Restless. Act like I have nothing valuable to say Same atmosphere But only worst Same attitude. Same everything. Has anything changed? Or has it only got worse? Do you see how you act? Are you even aware? Do you even care? Do you want to do better? Do you want to evolve? Or stay stagnant? Some parts have evolved. Changed. Grown. But you, You are… The same. I talk. I try to explain myself, Or help you see my side, But no You insist, You insist you know what I’m thinking You think you know how I feel You think you understand what happened You think I don’t do my best. You are making me look like the bad person. Why? Why do I keep coming back, It’s not like anything has changed Maybe I should stop. Would you even notice? Do you even care? Well… I’m done. I’m done caring as much. I’m tired of reaching out, Hoping for a better response. Don’t be surprised If you don’t see me. Don’t hear from me. You’re not my problem. You are on your own. I’ve found my home, Where I belong. People who care. People who reach out. People who show up. I’ll be giving less to you. You are only in my way. So good-bye for now, Maybe for good So long New York.

Pain. Burdens. Many different levels of pain. It doesn’t just stem from one place. It comes from all over. Death with all the unanswered questions. Knowing and learning about all the pain they had endured. How they were treated. The sacrifices they made. How lonely they must have felt, even with all the love they had. Knowing while living they endured more pain than in death. How they're better off sleeping in a cold coffin. Being present, and not present. The dictator, not the Comforter. Years of lack of interest in how my daily life was. Never appreciating my victory but seeing how I could do better. Many calls on the phone hearing about everything and everyone. Finally seeing it took years of separation to really learn their innermost feelings. Learning that he actually cares. Their pain affects how they treat others Their pain is taking over and becoming their everyday reality. How their hasn’t fully grasped the way of life. Certain responsibilities. Understanding needs over wants. They're in pain so everyone must suffer as well. The high walls that I can’t seem to breakdown. My efforts to break the walls without causing too much unwanted damage. The lack of relationship I have with them*. Knowing a small part is my fault but the most part was beyond my control. Knowing that I’m seen as the ‘favorite’ has been a factor. If I hear from them, it’s only to ask for something. When I reach out to just say hi, I receive mediocre answers. Wishing I had friends to do things with on the daily. Waiting by the phone, to see if my friends want to make plans with me. Knowing if I don’t reach out, I will never hear from them. Wanting to go places I know I can go alone, but prefer to have company. Wanting to make new memories instead of holding on to old memories or what could have been. The love ones who have passed and gone. Knowing death is beyond our control. Knowing life as we know it is coming to an end. Knowing it will only get worse before it gets better. The thought of knowing that I basically raised myself. Raised on doing better than then and the character genes passed down from them* Growing in character as family stays stagnant. The years of family bickering and bantering. The years of grudges caused by the head of the family. Living in their shadow because of the same personality traits. Still being seen for who I was before not who I am becoming. Used only for what I can physically do but not what I can mentally bring to the table. Am I known for who I am or what I could do? The many thoughts of this life. The hardships. The people. The pain of being left alone with my thoughts. There’s no escaping pain. All we can do is transform our pain into power. Help drive us to do better. To hopefully lessen the pain.